A LIFE NAMED ‘FICKLE’

1. Contrary to all my rants so far, this has nothing to do with Clausewitz, Warfare, Pakistan, Middle East, Afghanistan, PLA or even leadership. It is in reference to LIFE and its middle name FICKLE, it is so fickle that it would give fickle itself a complex. Here now, gone the next moment, no warning order, no advance information and not even a PPSA (MS Branch can’t play GOD ever). The complex bio-mechanical machine can just shut down and with no chance for a re-boot and it’s over; ashes to ashes, dust to dust in a Nano-second. Yet we plan, prepare, scheme, and connive to develop a plan of action better than the LTIPP of Indian Armed forces for ourselves, not realizing all the castles in the sand would come crashing down with one wave which was larger than the others on the sands of time. Last five days have made me go through a cesspool of emotions, chaos and mind-numbing experiences, which no one ever plans for or wants to even think of.

2. This piece is to get a reality check with friends and comrades who are of the same age and going through the challenges when parents are aging, kids are growing and you are not getting any younger but demands from all quarters have one postal address, ie YOU. So here go some lessons learnt in last 120 hours and these are not from any self-improvement book or DIY on a better you, first hand and totally experiential.

3. Parents for Granted. While we grew up and started our own families, with now college going kids and demands of career as well as home taking precedence because they are a clear present danger and in your face, parents were taken for granted, the leave home did not materialize, because of an official commitment or a child’s exam and worse still for a holiday to an exotic destination had to be ticked and pictures posted on Facebook and Instagram. We all have gone down this path and that is the first step to taking parents for granted. They are aging is a hard fact and they may have no material requirements but their emotional requirements exacerbated with COVID pandemic are there and need to be met. So don’t ignore that urge of home-sickness and go home on a happy note or to your own despair you would be responding to an emergency or a cataclysmic occurrence which can’t be reversed. Not to mention we in the Armed Forces have been out of home for so long that we have forgotten the need for family, and when the chips are down, it may have to be the family who is close by who may be the first responders, Sainik School, RIMC and hostlers better be more careful.

4. Dealing with Death. The last few months of COVID has brought us all face to face with death of a near and dear one, but nothing ever prepares you to deal with the death of a parent or parent-in-law. Its mind numbing and even the smartest can run out of ideas and contingency plans. The challenge is not of the dead who have transcended to another world but of the LIVING who have to continue LIVING and in absence of a parent. While you would like to grieve and give vent to your angst, there are more urgent chores to be attended to and succor provided to the family who now banks on you to be the new HEAD of the family, a task you never wanted and surely never prepared for. Your grief is nothing compared to the parent who is left behind, who has lost a life partner of 50 years or more. Chin up my dear comrades, brave face, swallow your tears and get on with LIFE because it still has to be lived and there are others banking on you to help them LIVE it.

5. Siblings & Foreign Lands. India is still not a land of opportunities and the brain drain is still a reality, so like it or not, a sibling is generally based in US or any other promised land and when a news of this nature strikes, even the seven seas can’t numb your pain. The pain of not being able to reach home in time, angst of not being there when you are needed most, the regret for not having said a final good bye would claw at your innards to your last living day and thus comes the question, is it really worth the extra green-back one makes or the extra pages in your passport which you flaunt, vis-à-vis being home when you were needed most. Tough call to make and no readymade answers, but one thing to me is crystal clear, of my two kids one must be country bound and is able to reach within twelve hours at the max.

6. Business in Death Too. Funerals and cremations in India are a quagmire of religious events and a labyrinth of medical and government procedures. Nobody ever prepares you for what lies ahead and believe you me, there are low lives who make the business of death a commercially viable venture, money for each step and then black mail or a threat of a demonic curse if not paid for it in cash in this world. From the moment of death certificate to the submersion of ashes into a holy river, there is a business enterprise which follows you, be prepared for it as when this lightning strikes, these scavenging vultures will start to loom large on the skyline.

7. Clock is Ticking. Say what we may, life is a great leveler. Our generation have reached that stage of life when the parents are all on the LLP (last leg posting), irrespective of your rank, appointment or profile. The Grim Reaper has got his list ready and without sounding too macabre, the names of our loved ones are on the list. Parents like their comfort zones and their circle of friends but I think for once, the table has to be thumped and decision taken and verdict delivered to them. Keep them with you and spend if nothing else the meal times with them, that morning cuppa would add to the kaleidoscope of memories once they are gone. Grandchildren will learn a thing or two and you would be a happier child with lesser regrets.

8. Coping with Death. While there are no ‘quick fix’ solutions, in 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced “five stages of grief,”[1] which represent feelings of those who have faced death and is based on her years of working with terminal cancer patients. This is no escalatory continuum and not a linear diagram which has to follow a process, I have seen emotions ebb and flow through the five stages with gay abandon, leaving you confused and more shattered. But for want of a better process I thought of listing it.

(a) Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”

(b) Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”

© Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”

(d) Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”

(e) Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what has happened.”

9. Family Tree. Death and grief can make people act kind of crazy and it can seriously rock a family’s centre of balance. If the death happened within the family, then there is fertile ground for family misunderstanding as family members try and deal with changing roles and dynamics, different grieving styles, and complicated emotions. Now, some people are lucky to find their family is exactly as supportive and caring as expected, but it is very common for people to turn to their family and find themselves terribly disappointed and confused.

10. In reality, your situation is likely a combination of factors; my intent is to simply get you thinking. One might avoid this issue of grief because we don’t like to experience painful feelings. The onset of a grief wave is unpredictable and each new wave brings with it an ocean of unpleasant thoughts, reminders, sensations, and memories. Many of us are experiencing emotions of this type and intensity for the first time and in response, they may exhibit physical, behavioural and emotional reactions we ourselves aren’t comfortable with. We are yet to develop a reliable set of coping skills, although grief is always unpleasant and uncomfortable, for some there are aspects that actually seem threatening and these perceptions can lead to attempts to control or avoid frightening feelings and reactions. Be aware and beware my friends the CLOCK is TICKING and this is not to scare you but to jumpstart you to take corrective measures.

[1] Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D. (1969) On Death and Dying. New York: Macmillian, pg 45–60.